typical draco/harry fic minus pointless sex
by ahmemories
Summary: most slash draco/harry fics use the very mind-boggling typical plot. i suppose u could say this one is a parody, but its more of a stupid-ized version of draco/harry slash
1. situation 1- night time- meaningless wal...

After weeks of obsessively reading numerous Harry/Draco slash fics, I felt like I had to write this. It is crucial that I do, yes. I am here to make fun of (or actually just write a stupid version of) the typical Harry/Draco slash fan fiction… don't get me wrong, I love every single one of those fics out there, its just crucial that I write this. Why, you ask? Because the sock commands me to, that's why.  
  
Disclaimer: I own socks.  
  
Here goes:  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry can't sleep at night. I would say that the reason he can't sleep is because the stress of being a hero is finally piling up on him, or that it's because the mixed feelings he has been getting about a certain blonde, or the pressure of schoolwork… but the truth is that I added some caffeine into the juice he drank at dinner.  
  
He flips over, blinks, and counts some sheep. He's still awake. 'I know!' he thinks to himself, 'I'll go walk around in the dark, yea, that's it; that would help me fall asleep… I always feel sleepy when I walk, such a thing to do for sleep, walk, yup… walk. Um hum.' Then for a moment he feels stupid for his thoughts, gets over it, and sneaks out of the dorms.  
  
He walks out the school, wanders around, and walks into the forbidden forest. Harry was never really the bright one.  
  
Rain starts to pour.  
  
Damn.  
  
But Harry doesn't mind, instead of running back to the dorms, he starts thinking about life in general. He figures that his life sucks like crap, and becomes depressed. He really should have just stayed in bed.  
  
Then… a certain blonde catches his eyes. He is also standing there, in the rain, soaking wet, feeling sorry for himself about his pathetic life. Awww, how cute.  
  
'he sure looks hot tonight.' Harry thinks, 'wait, what the heck was I thinking… must be the lack of sleep. Yup. Um hum, that must be it. I think I'll go talk to him.'  
  
"Hey, what are YOU doing here, standing in the rain soaking wet like an idiot?" Harry asks.  
  
Draco would have given him the eyebrow, but he was too busy crying. What?! Draco's crying?! What the @#(*@&$^!#&$! But since it is essential to the plot that he MUST cry, ( looking sad is not going to cut it) let's make him cry.  
  
Something inside of Harry sparks. Probably that mystery meat he ate earlier that night.  
  
"… What's wrong Malfoy?"  
  
"It's… *sniff* none of your… *choke*… business, Potter!" he sobs some more.  
  
Harry watches him cry.  
  
"c'mon Draco" gasp, he called him Draco! "tell me what's wrong"  
  
"well… I… my father… he wouldn't let me buy purple socks!"  
  
"…. Oh my goodness… I'm so sorry… I didn't know that you go through so much."  
  
Draco looks up at Harry. They stare at eachother for a loooooong time. Long time, very long. Then they kiss, out of nowhere! WOOO!  
  
  
  
Yup. That's it so far. 


	2. situation 2- the morning after- obliviou...

Yup. Each chapter might be separate; that means they don't necessarily connect. I mean, they do, I guess… but forgive me if they don't flow that well. I'm trying to fit all the clichés into one story. I'm just gonna have fun rewriting all the typical situations without having to worry about them making sense too much.  
  
Disclaimer: the sky is bluuee  
  
  
  
  
  
'Oh my god… I can't believe Draco kissed me last night, it must have all been a trick,' thought Harry 'of course he could have seriously meant the kiss but heck I can't trust Malfoy, because that would just make the story boring.'  
  
Flashback time! *wiggly lines*  
  
~~  
  
They stare at each other for a long time. And then they kiss. Or more like, Draco kisses Harry, and Harry just kinda froze. Yup. Then Draco gets up, eyes still puffy from crying, and leaves, taking one last look at Harry. Then he walks off coolly. Actually, he ran like a frightened squirrel, but it would have been nice if he walked off coolly.  
  
~~  
  
"Whoa…" Harry blinks.  
  
"What's wrong Harry?" asks a concerned Hermione.  
  
"Nothing… I just had one of those flashback thingys. Wooo."  
  
"What? What are you TALKING about Harry?! Doesn't (*#$*&!(#&% make sense!!" Ron freaks out, "what's been UP with you lately? You've been acting so strange!"  
  
"I have?"  
  
"No… not really actually, I didn't really notice anything. Can't you see I'm TRYING to be a concerned friend here??"  
  
"Well… nothing's wrong!"  
  
"Yea... I know... that's what I said…"  
  
"Why won't you leave me BE? ARUGH, WHHHYYYYY??? I don't want to TELL you anything that happened last night ok? So THERE!"  
  
"Um… last night? What about last night?"  
  
"I SAID I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"  
  
"Oh… ok… gee I feel loved."  
  
"Good."  
  
"$&&^#$@??!"  
  
"Oh Ron, leave Harry alone. I'm sure it's because of the stress he's been getting lately from schoolwork and all. Just give him some time." Hermione says, being the perfect understanding friend while talking about Harry as if he's not there.  
  
But Harry doesn't mind- he's practically NOT there. He's been pouring his attention onto Malfoy, who quietly sits across from the room at the Slytherin table (as opposed to the Hufflepuff's table, because then that would just be weird), tactfully ignoring Harry's stare.  
  
Then he looks up at Harry. So much for ignoring him. Then he walks out of the dining hall.  
  
Harry storms out of the dining hall after Draco, but he doesn't know why. Or maybe he does, and I just don't know about it. Either way he storms out leaving his forgotten friends pondering.  
  
"Oh I'm sure he's just not hungry." Hermione says.  
  
"No… something's up, and I'm going to find out what it is. It has to have something to do with Malfoy, that's for sure. That *insert lots of insults here*." Ron squints his eyes.  
  
"Whatever." Hermione mumbles while chewing on some egg.  
  
  
  
Heh. I like eggs. 


	3. situation 3- the making out- hallways, c...

Once again- I love all the good Draco/Harry fics, even if they are typical. I just needed to write this. Also, you're right (referring to Ancalime Aurehen), the pointless sex is the essence of a typical d/h… I only decided to put "minus the pointless sex" in the title because I know it's in the plotline, and yet I'm not going to provide to all you wonderful readers any juicy lemons due to my, well, lack of ability to write them.  
  
Disclaimer: Trunks on Toast's DBZ fics are good.  
  
  
  
Harry runs out of the dining room and into the hallway; since breakfast just started, no one is in the halls except for him and Draco.  
  
"Malfoy! Wait up!"  
  
But he doesn't wait for him.  
  
So the chasing goes on about an hour.  
  
Oh wait, no it doesn't.  
  
So the chasing goes on for about 2 minutes, then Draco pulls Harry into some dark corner of the hall, so people won't see them. Actually, there really is no one there to see them, (and even if there is, I really don't get how in the world they can hide in a hallway and not be seen) but the hiding must be done to result in the decrease of distance between our hot lover boys and the increase in breath and heart rate. It's all very kinky.  
  
"What do you want, Potter?"  
  
"What? YOU dragged me into this hall thing."  
  
"Hey, you're the one that ran out of the dinning hall and freakin' chased after me!"  
  
"How do you know that I was chasing you, huh? Got any proof?"  
  
"… you were calling my name."  
  
"Oh yea. Damn. So what were you saying again?"  
  
"I was asking you what you wanted."  
  
Well, right about now Harry could say sex and they could hump like bunnies and make the readers very happy. But that usually doesn't come up until later.  
  
"I want to know why… why you did, um, what you did last night." awww, Harry being shy.  
  
"Oh, and what exactly would that be?" Draco smirks.  
  
There would be some more fighting, and stuff. But I'm just going to skip all that and make Harry answer Draco's question.  
  
"Well, you did this." Harry 'pulls in and shortens their already almost- unable-to-be-shortened-anymore distance between each other and kisses him.' phrases like that (except less retarded) are used a lot. I don't know why.  
  
They start making out. While making out both of them have thoughts like "I can't do this" "am I insane" and "oh well whatever". Blah blah blah.  
  
As time flies by, people start finishing their breakfast and coming out of the dinning hall. Draco and Harry reluctantly pulls apart from each other and heads off to class.  
  
"The unused classroom, after class." Draco says before he leaves.  
  
"What unused classroom??"  
  
"You know, the one they always put us in."  
  
"Oh. THAT unused classroom. Alrighty."  
  
So after class, and after Quidditch practice again, Draco and Harry meets in the unused classroom to "discuss their current situation", but things never get done- they always somehow end up making out with each other. As a result, they agree to meet at the Astronomy Tower that night, for further discussing.  
  
Ok, NOW they can hump like bunnies.  
  
*insert your own lemon here* 


	4. situation 4- confession- potions seems t...

Hmm. I apologize. I suppose there IS no such thing as pointless sex, except in those weird cases where sex is essential to the plot (but that rarely ever happens). But hey, since the point of sex IS sex, then sex is pretty pointless isn't it? *blinks* ok, I have no idea what I just said, but yea. You guys get the point. (or maybe you don't, but that's ok, I like you anyway.)  
  
Disclaimer (a real one this time)- I don't own Harry and Draco, but I own Draco's hair. Yup. Just his hair.  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry walks to class. Walk walk walk. He walks some more.  
  
He runs!  
  
He is going to be late for potions class.  
  
"What the )*&$!#&$#!!! I just HAD potions class! Is this the only freakin' class you're gonna let me be in?"  
  
yup.  
  
That and maybe sometimes I'll let you take Care for Magical Creatures.  
  
"Did you mess with me and Draco's schedule?!"  
  
Had to.  
  
"ugh…"  
  
Harry arrives at potion class, for the fifth time today. He is late.  
  
"I would have thought you'd be late. After all you WERE late the last five times you had me today. 200000 points off Gryffindor! And I'll partner you up with Draco one more time just to make you miserable." Snape decides to be the pain in the ass that he is.  
  
"I don't get you. How in the world did you manage to be late for potions class when u just HAD potions class?" Ron asks.  
  
"*shrug* I don't know. I always seem to be late for Potions."  
  
Meanwhile in the back, Longbottom blows up something which gets into Hermione's hair, or something.  
  
Harry moves towards Draco and sits down next to him. Awkward silence falls.  
  
Harry remembers last night. He shivers (but not in that way). How could they have done what they did?  
  
Now he remembers how sexy Draco is. Yup. Seeexxxxyyy… wooo!  
  
Harry tries not to look at Draco, and focuses on the potion they are making. But he took a peek at that pretty hair and that pretty neck… oh my! Draco is looking at him too. Their eyes make contact… electricity sparks and zaps a fly! They look away to prevent anymore fly-killing. They could no longer concentrate on their potion, and eventually messes it up quite noticeably. KABAM!  
  
"Tsk tsk tsk…. Mr. Malfoy… I am extremely disappointed in you… you are not doing well at all today… perhaps I should stop pairing you up with Potter, but that would just be wrong. I'll give you two detention at midnight instead."  
  
  
  
  
  
Squeaky squeakity squeak.  
  
Our two lover boys clean bottles in silence.  
  
"You know… it's all your fault that I'm in detention." Draco breaks that silence! Go Draco!  
  
"What? You messed up on the potion, too!"  
  
"Well so did Longbottom. If Professor Snape didn't dislike you so much we wouldn't be here at all."  
  
"Right… and I'm sure us messing up the potion five times in a row had nothing to do with it."  
  
"It's not MY fault that crazy muffin girl changed our schedules!" I like muffins.  
  
"And it's not MY fault that we're paired up every single time!"  
  
"And it's not MY fault that I love you!"  
  
"And it's… wait, what was that last thing you said?"  
  
"It's not my fault that I love you…r socks?"  
  
"*sniffs* you said you love me! Oh, I've been waiting for these words since… um, last night! So it wasn't a dream."  
  
"Oh, you're right Potter, I admit it, I DO love you! I knew I loved you since the first time I saw you at Madame Malkin's shop! *sniff* it hurt so much when you declined my friendship. I am forever scarred. (no pun intended… not that there is any)"  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry Draco! I didn't know! I thought you only offered your hand in friendship out of bad Malfoy-ness (no offense), if I only knew! How can I make it up to you?"  
  
"well…" Draco smirks.  
  
Now they have sex again in non-explicit detail.  
  
*insert your own here* 


	5. situation 5- the past reveals- Draco's s...

Disclaimer: I have nothing.  
  
  
  
  
  
So they had sex in the potions room.  
  
They don't mind, not really. They always manage to wake up before it's late enough for people to find them to get them into trouble anyway. I have no clue how.  
  
Harry stirs, and wakes up to the sound of Draco.  
  
Sobbing, that is.  
  
"*gasp* oh my god Drakkie, what's wrong???"  
  
"Oh no… what have I done? This is what I've always wanted, but now that it's actually happened, I realized that my dad's going to kill me!" Draco blows his nose on Harry's sleeve.  
  
"Draco, I think its time you tell me what goes on in your family that makes you break down like this… you can trust me."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Flashback time! *wiggly lines*  
  
~  
  
Draco opens the door to his room, only to find his father on his bed, reading his diary.  
  
"*gasp* no… dad!"  
  
Lucius turns around with fury in his eyes, "I TOLD you to get a writing journal, but not a diary with girly pink flowers on the cover!!!"  
  
"I'm sorry dad! I'm sorry!" Draco sobs uncontrollably.  
  
"*sigh* oh well, its ok. I guess I can just buy you a new diary… but, what is this? you're in love with Harry Potter???? Ugh, I CAN'T believe, my own son!"  
  
Draco looks away with shame.  
  
"I mean, seriously, how bad can your taste get? Those BUTT UGLY glasses!"  
  
~  
  
"Hey! People think my glasses are cute, okay??"  
  
"I know Harry, I know. I think they are adorable too, but my father wouldn't understand! And stop interrupting!"  
  
"Oh. Sorry."  
  
~  
  
"Anyway…" Lucius stands up looking serious, "this can only mean one thing. I'll have to punish you for what you've done."  
  
"no… dad! Please no! Please don't rape me and force me to kill off Harry Potter or seduce him to trick him into joining you and Voldie!"  
  
"No… that wasn't exactly what I was aiming for… wait, RAPE YOU??? What? what is WRONG with you? Have you been sniffing the white-out on my desk again? It is strictly forbidden! It's a very dangerous muggle instrument and it's for my use only!"  
  
"I'm sorry father."  
  
"ANYWAY… what I was going to say is… I forbid you from wearing socks for a month. And for sniffing my whiteout… I'm going to have you burn all your rainbow striped socks. Now go!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!!! PLEASE! RAPE ME! DO ANYTHING! NOT THE SOCKS! NOOOOTTT THHEEEE SOOOOOOOCCCKKSS!!!" Draco hangs on to Lucius's leg.  
  
Lucius drags Draco across the room before finally shaking him off and escaping out of Draco's room, quite frightened.  
  
~  
  
"the… *sniff* socks…." Draco felt a lump beginning to form in his throat, "do you UNDERSTAND the feeling of not being able to wear socks??? Its like, as if you're naked…"  
  
"I'm so sorry Draco…" Harry hugs Draco, comforting him, "I'm here now… and you can have all the socks you want."  
  
Draco looks up at him with sparkly eyes, "really…?"  
  
"Yup. Hm OH SHIT!" Now Harry's crying, "if Ron ever finds out about us… um… something bad's gonna happen. I'm not sure what though, because its not really that serious, but BAD! Oh the horror!"  
  
"I know! We'll just keep our relationship a secret, then all our problems would be solved!"  
  
"Yea! Oh drakkie you're so smart. We can just pretend to fight during the days and snog during the nights and life will be merry!"  
  
But that never happens does it? They're bound to mess up, sometime. I predict about in the next chapter. 


	6. situation 6- conflicts arise- Hermione's...

Sorry its been so long since I've updated. had crazy finals and AP Bio exam (which, btw, I got a 5 on. *laughs stupidly*) and then ff.n goes all floogy.  
  
Disclaimer: um. *points* that puppy is not mine.  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry walks happily to his never-ending potions class. With his new found love Draco Malfoy (*chuckles*. I like saying his full name), his lonely and pathetic life seems to lighten up a bit. Little did he know that at this exact moment his lover Draco is planning something evil. Oh wait. no he's not, but his father is. Or something.  
  
"Harry, wait up!" yells Ron and Hermione from a short distance back.  
  
"Hey Ron, Mione."  
  
Silence falls.  
  
Harry notices that Ron is staring, no, glaring at something down the hall. He also notices that Draco is what Ron is glaring at.  
  
"Here comes that rich spoiled brat." Ron mutters.  
  
"Hey! Malfoy's not so bad. er. I mean. he's BEYOND bad. yea." Remembering what Draco and his little plan, he prepares for a showdown in the middle of the hallway. "Hey Malfoy! Where are your supposed friends? Did they finally realize that you're just as big a loser as they are?"  
  
"Yea, daddy's little girl! Er, boy!" Ron butts in.  
  
"Now now guys, you don't want to start a fight in the middle of the hallway." Hermione says sensibly.  
  
"well well well, isn't it.." Draco drawls, facing Hermione, who interrupts him by slaping him across the face.  
  
"how DARE you!" she screams angrily.  
  
"how dare I what????" Draco whimpers.  
  
"Eh, I don't know" Hermione shrugs, "I'm bound to get all dramatic and slap you across the face at some point throughout this story, might as well do it now. You know, skip all the insulting and stuff."  
  
Draco bites his lips, and runs away like a whining mammet (anyone read Shakespear?) Harry sees that something is wrong, and runs after Draco.  
  
"what is up with him and Harry? I swear.. Draco is acting so girly.. he must be fiddling around with the dark arts! (Because it's the only answer I can come up with to everything concerning Draco!)" Ron snarls. "that must be why Harry is acting so weird! Draco must have him under some spell, or something.."  
  
"Ron.. you have a very active imagination."  
  
"whatever. I'm going to spy on them and find out what's going on once and for all!"  
  
  
  
------ (woo! Scene change! *does a scene change dance*)  
  
  
  
"Draco! Wait!" Harry drags Draco into some unseen corner of the hallway.  
  
"I. *sniff* you don't love me do you Harry? Everything you said was lie."  
  
"what makes you think that??"  
  
"well. you didn't stop her from hurting me! You promised that you wouldn't let anyone hurt me!"  
  
"I did?"  
  
"Um. no. You promised that I can have all the socks I want, actually. But same difference."  
  
"oh. well, I'm sorry.. I didn't mean.."  
  
"no! I will not take anymore lies from you!"  
  
Draco is getting pretty annoying, thought Harry. So he shuts Draco up by kissing him, perfectly romantic, no?  
  
Perfectly romantic indeed, until this passionate kiss is rudely interrupted by Ron's exaggerated gasp.  
  
".. Harry..! Malfoy?!"  
  
Harry turns to Ron, quite perturbed. Draco's eyes flood up once again; he squeaks girlishly and runs off, leaving Harry there all by himself to deal with this mess. Well, the boy is still mad at Harry, who is to blame him?  
  
"er.. I.." Harry stutters.  
  
  
  
Welp, that's it. Typical cliffhanger! Woo! Much fun. 


	7. situation 7- the drama increases- the ex...

Hmm. it is now 2 in the morning right before going to sleep that I saw Jessica's review. and decided that I should probably write the next chapter now. Thanks Jessica (woo! We got the same names!), for reminding me that I still have an account at ff.n. (I constantly forget. "What?! I write FANFICS? But I can't write!! Of course that's never stopped anyone before.") (random flamers now glares at Jessica for encouraging me to write even more crap. heheh. Too bad for them I guess) Oh yea. to blue fuzzy owl, sure, link it if you want, I don't mind at all  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except a pair of socks and a can o' tuna  
  
  
  
"Er.. I.. " Harry stutters as Ron glares at Harry, obviously not very happy.  
  
"How COULD you? MALFOY?! You traitor! You know I HATE that bastard, anyone but him!!"  
  
"Erm.."  
  
"Wait! No! I'm supposed to be more mad about you being gay! I must have something against gay people to make your life more miserable!"  
  
"I.."  
  
"WAIT! NO! I mean, I'm supposed to be mad at you for falling for Malfoy's trap! Yea! Because there is no way my puny brain can comprehend the fact that you might actually like that brat, so I must believe in the fact that he seduced you with dark magic!"  
  
"Actually.."  
  
"Wait.. Ahhh!! I'm SO confused! SOOO CONFUSED! AHHH the CONFUSION!"  
  
Harry stands there with a worried look on his face while Ron rambles on aimlessly. Is he worried about Ron? Not really. He's actually beginning to worry that he's going to be late for the potions class he was trying to attend to a chapter earlier. What? You forgot about that already? Well, you should pay more attention then.  
  
"What is going on?" Hermione comes into the scene, and saves the day.  
  
By snogging with Ron endlessly.  
  
"Wait.. What? What was that last part??"  
  
By snogging with Ron endlessly.  
  
"WHAT?! RON? HERMIONE? You guys are going out?! OMG! My world is falling apart! My two best friends are going out! I simply cannot handle this.. I still can't figure out why this is such a big deal but where would all the angst go if I don't whine about it?"  
  
To waste, I suppose.  
  
"I can't believe you guys are together and you never told me. when did this happen?!"  
  
"Well, since our coupling is so expected in a Harry/Draco story, the author never bothered to mention that we're together in the beginning. Of course, no reader dares to question our relationship even if it is first mentioned towards the end of the story as if it has happened in the beginning." Says Hermione while Ron sucks at her neck as if the whole conflict with Harry's relationship with Draco has never happened.  
  
"Ooooh.. Soooo.. It's all okay because I should have already known that you guys were together. Heheh, silly me."  
  
Ron nods. Yes, they are still making out.  
  
Now they stop for a sentimental moment.  
  
"Thanks for understanding, Harry" says Ron sincerely, "After all this, I realized what a fool I've been. if you really want to be with that Malfoy, I'll support you to the end. Just don't forget that I'll always be your friend, even if I still don't trust that Slytherin."  
  
"Thanks Ron. best friends forever!"  
  
Aww.. Group hug.  
  
"Now let's get to potions class before Snape takes another 2000 points away from Griffindor."  
  
"What potions class?"  
  
"The one what no one's paying attention to."  
  
"oh.. right, gotcha."  
  
---- *dances the scene change dance*  
  
"You and your friends are late as usual Mr. Potter. 2000 points from Griffindor!"  
  
Damn.  
  
Harry takes a seat, and unconsciously looks towards Malfoy's direction with much difficulty- the difficulty being that Draco's not there. Aw bloody hell, Draco's still mad at him. Duh.  
  
---- *dances*  
  
Draco plops onto his bed. today just isn't a good day. He can afford to miss one day of potions.. He IS Snape's favorite student, afterall. Just then he notices a letter on his desk that the owl must have brought in.  
  
His father owled him.  
  
"Dear Son-  
  
I'm feeling kind of bored.. So I decided that you should seduce Harry Potter into my not-so-well-intentioned clutches, after all the dark lord is rising to power (goddamn, is this guy ALWAYS rising to power?) and he would be pleased to be informed that my son has gotten the boy who lived into our power. It wouldn't be too much trouble would it?  
  
PS if you don't do it then I'll burn all your socks.  
  
Love, Daddy"  
  
"gasp," Draco gasped "not the socks!"  
  
No. I can't do this. I love him! But. after what happened today I cannot be sure. He may be just playing me, just finding another way to win one of our little battles. I must be strong.. I WILL make my father proud.  
  
And with a bite on his lip, he owled back.  
  
"I will do exactly as you tell me to, father.. I will make you proud." 


End file.
